


A Smile to Tear Away the Fear

by mythomagicallydelicious



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Comfort, Fluff, Gender Identity, M/M, Vague gender dysphoria, and pronouns, around the later episodes, but he doesn't know that's what it's called, discussing gender, fjorclay, fjord's orphanage background, non-specific place in canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-23 04:46:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23005960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mythomagicallydelicious/pseuds/mythomagicallydelicious
Summary: Fjord approaches Caduceus with apprehension over a personal identity struggle he's having, and along the way solidify some things they've always wanted to say to each other.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 7
Kudos: 89





	A Smile to Tear Away the Fear

Another day, another adventure, another moment where Nott finds time to criticize his manliness. Fjord would have thought she’d have the decorum to at least wait until after he’d crawled out of the mouth of the fuck-off giant lizard-worm thing, but no. He probably shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up. He’d tried to use his strength to pry open the jaws of the creature as it had started swallowing Caleb, panicked and abandoning his previous plan of action in favor of trying to save the wizard. But instead he had failed, and left himself in prime position to be gobbled up by those massive jaws, too.

And Nott had wasted no time in cursing at him and asking _what kind of man couldn’t take care of one measly lizard_ as she fired her crossbow and an explosive bolt dealt a lot of damage to the creature. Fjord could not easily reply as he was holding his breath against the rank lizard-worm’s breath on him, foul enough-and possibly poisonous-to do him damage by proximity.

They’d managed to slay the creature, and Caleb was successfully recovered from within. And Nott was back with her flask to her lips and a few more choice words of how weak Fjord is. How he wouldn’t know what a real man looked like if one slapped him across the face. Beau shushed Nott, telling her to go check on Caleb, not bother Fjord. Fjord made a passing joke about working out harder with Beau in the mornings, and everyone scattered to rest.

But Nott’s words kept circling around in his brain. All of her criticisms and spite in the past were standing at the forefront of his mind. He couldn’t shake them.

For a while he had tried to brush off her words as just the way their relationship worked. Antagonizing each other. He remembered seeing other kids at the orphanage with that sort of relationship. Being mean and teasing them mercilessly and knocking the other down a peg every chance, except for when it came down to the wire and they were there for each other. A kid a few bunks over from his own had started crying one day, no clear reason why, and the friend who antagonized the hell out of them normally came over and listened to them, comforted them. Was there for them and cared despite the surface of their relationship seeming tumultuous at best.

And most of the time, that’s what he assumed he and Nott had. At the end of the day they’ll be there for each other. Fjord cares very deeply for all of his friends. For everything they’ve done for him, for everything they’ve accomplished together, and so much more. Usually he can brush off Nott’s words as part of their give-and-take and dish-it-out friendship.

But Nott’s teasing somehow always manages to hit on one of his deepest insecurities and questions about himself, and especially after today, he can’t shake the words.

Fjord surveyed the group, taking stock of where everyone was posting up. Jester had suggested they just camp here for the night, so they’d moved about a mile away from the remains of the monster (after Nott and Jester looted it ruthlessly, or at least attempted to) and set up a campfire. Caduceus was tending to a meal and making tea. Beau was working on her knuckle wrappings, talking to Yasha on the other side of the clearing. Jester was with Nott and Caleb. It was unclear what they were doing but Fjord could assume it had something to do with dicks or healing.

Fjord sat back against the tree, keeping watch on the forest around them. He closed his eyes and let the thoughts that wouldn’t leave wash over his brain. He couldn’t make heads or tails of them. He always had his best understanding when he talked things out, but he was unsure of who to approach with this.

Well. He had an idea of who he wanted to approach. But he was a little afraid of seeing his reaction. What if he thought Fjord was a freak?

Fjord considered his options again. Beau is his best friend of the group, but this was a weird sort of personal conversation he wasn’t sure she could relate to. He didn’t want to say anything to her yet. And anyone else is either contributing to his unease with this problem or he’s hesitant to approach them because they’ve got their own problems stacked up.

Fjord sighs and peeks one eye open, watching Caduceus at the fire. He watches him lean forward and inhale deeply above the tea as it steeps. He watches a small satisfied smile curl up half of his face before his long hair falls in front, obstructing his view.

He knows Caduceus is the only man he’d want to talk to about this. He’s so wise, he knows so much about nature, and maybe even the nature of man… maybe he can help.

That night, despite the safety of the dome, they decide to take watches. He offers to take second watch with Caduceus, glancing at Beau as she was about to volunteer, instead suggesting she take third watch with Jester. It’s settled, and at around one in the morning, he is shaken by Caleb, standing and stretching and pretending he was awakened by his friend and not up the whole night, still with a hundred thoughts crowding his brain.

He nods as Caleb settles back into place in the center of the dome and lets Nott use his stomach as a pillow as she settles with him. Fjord takes a step outside the safety of the dome and breathes deeply. Caduceus joins him, sitting with his back against a tree facing Fjord so he can see around the other side of the dome.

Fjord feels the words clogging in his throat as he takes another deep breath, trying to brace himself for preparing for the conversation. He waits until he hears the soft snores of Nott and the little restless movements Caleb makes when he’s deep asleep before he even looks at Caduceus.

“Take your time, Fjord,” Caduceus says out of nowhere. Fjord looks up, startled.

“I—what? What do you mean?”

Caduceus smiles with his whole body when he smiles, and now, even with a small smile of encouragement, is no exception. His head leans forward and his ears twitch, and he sits up just a little straighter as he looks Fjord over. “I can see some sort of hesitation in you. You’re nervous, and I don’t know why. But whenever you want to talk about it, just know I’m here for you. I can make a cup of tea to settle your nerves if you think that’ll help.”

Ford lets out the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding at laughs nervously, glancing behind him at the dome and their sleeping friends. He scoots a little closer to Caduceus and the tree providing a shadow from the bright moons shining down on them.

“You’re right, I do have something on my mind. It’s—I find it hard to talk about. Truth be told, I’ve barely let myself think about this for most of my life. It’s just, I can’t ignore it anymore. And I don’t know how to make sense of any of it.” Fjord looks up to meet Caduceus’ eyes, and is relieved to see the firbolg’s eyes soften but the smile doesn’t leave him. Caduceus nods slowly, almost as if he’s unaware he’s doing so.

“Take your time, don’t feel rushed to fix whatever is on your mind, Fjord. Let yourself process it first.”

Fjord takes a steadying breath and thinks over the events of the day. The digs that got under his skin more than he ever let on, but for reasons beyond what they would seem.

“For as long as I can remember, from growing up in Port Damali to becoming a sailor, to meeting you all, to now, I have felt a sense of discomfort associated with people commenting on my manliness. Or my worth as a man, whether strength, or appearance, or anything else along those lines. When I was a kid I was picked on a lot for being a half-orc, yes, but also for being a runt. I remember wanting to look more impressive so the other kids would back off, wishing they would leave me alone. There was one group of boys at the orphanage, slightly older than I was, who would constantly target me for their pranks and teasing, and they would more often than not make it about how I was a weak little freak. From the teeth to the skinny build, and more. You already know I shaved down my tusks, but there wasn’t much I could do in the muscles department.”

Fjord looked off to the side, licking his lips and unintentionally checking on the rate of growth his tusks were at. He had kept his word to Jester and stopped shaving them down. But on a night when his own insecurities were already flaring, for a moment he wished he had a file for them. Something he can control about his appearance.

Caduceus stayed silent, his smile still there but his brows were beginning to furrow as he concentrated on what Ford was saying.

“But the thing was, when I was on my own, I didn’t really care what I looked like. Their words hurt because I could tell they were trying to be mean. It took going off on my own after I left the orphanage to sort through what I’d been feeling back then. I mean, to really think about it with a clear head. Shit, I feel like I’m not saying this right,” Fjord muttered the last part, running a hand through his hair.

“You’re doing alright, Fjord. Just get it all out. Like pulling the poison from a wound. It may not be pretty, but it needs to happen. Whatever is on your mind must have been stewing there for years.”

“Yes, okay. Hoo,” Fjord takes another breath and starts fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. “Alright. I don’t mind not being strong. I minded more that people looked at me and judged me for not being strong, if that makes sense? They made me feel I should want to be strong and buff and um, more manly, when they pointed out they thought I so clearly was not any of those things.”

Fjord moves a little closer to Caduceus, lowering his voice again so he is sure the only ears on their conversation is his confidant’s. “I’ve never minded not being manly. When I think of myself, I feel like I don’t necessarily subscribe to being a man. But I definitely don’t feel like a woman or anything. So what else is there?”

Fjord runs a hand through his hair again, face flushing and embarrassed at his confession. “I mean, Nott is always taking potshots at my physique and it makes me feel nervous and targeted like when I was a kid back on the Coast. And when I was sailing, under Vandren’s guide I wanted to be more like him, definitely. But the qualities I admired were his strong voice, his charisma, his leadership. His willingness to take a chance on me. All of those are things that I also value and look up to the Wildmother for. Maybe less on the leadership since I don’t really have a direction with that, yet, but I trust it will come to me.”

“But I—do you understand what I’m saying? I hardly understand myself, and I don’t blame you if you think it’s strange, or, or, I don’t know—“

A hand comes down on Fjord’s shoulder, squeezing lightly. Fjord cuts off his babbling, waiting with bated breath for what Caduceus would say.

“You’re saying you don’t feel like one way or the other in regards to how you see yourself? You felt more coerced into acting like a man than you really did in identifying as one?” Caduceus asks. Fjord takes in every word he says and blinks for a moment, struck by the stark truth in his words.

“Yes. Yes, that’s it! That’s exactly how I feel. How did you know?” Fjord can’t keep the wonder and slight disbelief from his voice.

Caduceus moves his upper body side to side in a swaying motion. His hair cascades over one shoulder as he turns to look at Fjord fully, the color for once not distracting him from the sincerity in his eyes. There’s a twinkle in them, and for a moment he is lost in the way Caduceus looks at him in that moment.

“I feel a similar way. I have for years.” Caduceus squeezes his shoulder again, then rubs lightly over Fjord’s back in small, comforting circles. “Go on, you’re not quite done, are you?”

Fjord suppresses a shiver and leans into the touch. His mind is simultaneously racing and frozen, like earlier, yet this time it is in elation at finding out Caduceus and him were on the same page. There would be no disgust or confusion to spoil their talk.

“Well, you said it so well. But it’s not always so much that I feel like neither. I appreciate masculine things? But also traits that are associated with women. And I don’t know what the middle ground is called. But I’ve always felt more inclined to that. Except for the moments when I feel so attacked for not being manlier, honestly. I know Nott and I have a spiteful friendship, but her words run deeper than she knows. They pick at me. Makes me want to control how out of control I feel, maybe do something stupid or reckless to make up for it.”

He hears a small sigh escape Caduceus at his last few words. A slight chuckle follows it, and Fjord finds himself laughing briefly as well. They both know very well that Fjord has had some mishaps with impulsivity, and it breaks the tension that had started roiling in his gut again at the fear of being judged from diverging from what he thinks Caduceus expected.

“Caduceus, if you wouldn’t mind, could you tell me about what you meant? How you feel? I never expected for anyone else to share these feelings. Honestly, I thought it would paint me as freakish…”

Caduceus nods, interspersing a few solid pats on the back before resuming the circles.

“Sure thing. Well, growing up in the Blooming Grove, the emphasis was more on what our duty as a family was, and how we acted in regards to that. After about fifty years, though, I started realizing little differences in the way I saw myself compared to how my brother seemed to see himself. Or for the way my sister Calliope saw herself, either. I talked to my aunt about it, about feeling inclined toward neither.” Caduceus gets a fond smile on his face, a little sad but a reminiscing smile nonetheless.

“She told me there were every imaginable and unimaginable type of person, out there in the world, and whatever I was feeling was a natural part of my life. She said I didn’t have to feel attached to being like my father or like my mother or like anyone else I’d ever met, if I didn’t want to.”

Caduceus took a moment to stare off into the night, apparently lost in thought. Fjord watched the slow sway of his head continue, as if a gentle breeze was floating him to an unheard melody. For a moment the hand on his back falters and returns to Fjord’s shoulder, squeezing a little harder. Like to support someone trying to stand before falling back.

Caduceus turned back to him slowly, his smile a little sadder than before. “Well, I hadn’t ever met many people, beyond my family, and the mourners who came to the Grove every so often. It took a few more years to find the right words for how I was feeling. To explain it, really. I knew how I felt, and my family knew about it, and they all loved me, and didn’t mind. But once, after my mother and my sister had made a trip into town for supplies, Calliope came over to me and dropped a pinecone on me.”

“A pinecone?” Ford asked, thrown off by the detail.

Caduceus laughed, a low rumble in the back of his throat. His regular smile was back, the one that brightened up his whole face, that lifted his body slightly higher at the shoulders. “An inside joke, sorry. Don’t worry about it.”

Fjord smiled back at him and nodded, gesturing for Caduceus to continue.

“She told me about a half-elf she’d met while down there. A little kindlier than the typical resident. A traveler. They talked, exchanged news, everything you do as you meet another, you know? And somehow, whatever they talked about, when Calliope came back she had words to help me explain what I felt. I felt like I had no gender. No attachment to being a man, a woman, or anything else. I just felt like myself. She said the half-elf called it being agender.”

Caduceus’ smile didn’t flag so much as it softened into something that made Fjord ache. Something about his smile made him think of the ever elusive concept of _home_ he’d always been desperate for, as a kid.

“Calliope explained some other terms the traveler told her. Non binary was one, which took some explanation, let me tell you,” Caduceus laughs again, shaking his head and swinging himself down closer to Fjord as he does so. Fjord feels a little bit of the pink hair brush his shoulder lightly.

“What does that one mean, then?” Fjord asks, curious, and moving a little closer to Caduceus. Now they are practically flush, still facing each other, Fjord’s right leg beside Caduceus’ right leg. His friend was so tall he could reach around Fjord’s back even from the position they were settled in.

“Feeling like neither a man or a woman, even if you still sometimes decide to relate to certain aspects of being feminine or masculine. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. It doesn’t even have to be fifty-fifty, they said. It’s an individual experience.”

Fjord was leaning ever closer, soaking up everything Caduceus was saying. Something about his phrasing caught his memory, and he felt his brow furrow, head cocking to one side as he thought about it. “Wait, wait, they? That sounds familiar. Who do we know who uses ‘they’?” Fjord mutters, leaning back momentarily.

Caduceus cocked his head, diverting his train of thought to try and follow Fjord’s question. The motion caused his hair to tickle Fjord’s shoulder again.

“Well, we’ve met a lot of people in our travels. Do you remember what town or when you met them? Or what you were doing?” Caduceus asks, attempting to help Fjord down the path to remembering.

Fjord looked up to the sky, trying to drum up the memory. “It was rather a while ago, I believe, and someone we met a few times, but—“Fjord looks back to Caduceus’ eyes, and the name appears on the tip of his tongue. “Watchmaster Bryce. Oh—from Alfield. When we helped them with their gnoll problem. And every time we passed through after. They were the first person I met who used they/them, I think, and I remember it catching my interest but I didn’t want to be rude and ask about it.”

Caduceus’ smile grew as Fjord remembered and spoke. “Nice, that’s nice. Bryce, the elven one I met on our way to the ocean, right?”

Fjord nodded. “Right. They were the head of the Crownsguard in Alfield, and gave us the connection to the Leaky Tap tavern owner when we first went to Zadash. Though I guess you weren’t there for that part, sorry,” Fjord feels his cheeks flush a little darker, glad for the poor light at night and hoping Caduceus couldn’t see. He always felt a little guilty bringing up Molly to Caduceus. They never met, but Fjord was sure Caduceus probably got tired of being compared or reminded of their lost companion whom he never knew. It would probably be exhausting dealing with other’s grief on such a long-term scale.

“Fjord? There’s no need to apologize. It doesn’t bother me when you all want or need to mention your friend.” Caduceus’ voice is as gentle as a breeze and Fjord finds himself drawn to look up at him again. Caduceus squeezes his shoulder in support and is smiling at him again.

“I just—I assumed that surely your role in other’s grief has never been quite so long-term. I feel guilty bringing him up again and again or confusing your name for his for a moment out of habit, despite how short a time we really knew each other. I didn’t want to put you in an awkward spot, and I hate to make you feel any sense of left out for not having known him, you know?” Fjord says, voice getting a little shaky as he admits all that in a rush.

Caduceus bends further down so they are level, face to face. He’s so much closer than he’s ever been before, just a scant few inches from Fjord.

“Fjord, you don’t need to worry about that. I appreciate your words, and the thought behind them, but it’s okay. I know what grief is, what it does, and I know that sometimes it never quite goes away. If you want to talk about Molly sometime, I’m here for you. I know when we first met you wouldn’t have had much of a reason to trust or talk to me, but just know, I’m here for you. Whenever and Why-ever you need.”

Fjord nodded, chewing his lip as he looked into Caduceus’ eyes. His words washed over him and lifted some of the weight in his heart.

“Thank you, Caduceus. That means a lot. I—I’d be willing to do the same, for you, you know? If you ever need an ear or a shoulder or a person to talk to. I’m here for you, because, uh,” Fjord stumbles, not quite knowing where he wanted to end that sentence. They’d leaned even closer, a minute pressure on his back by Caduceus’ hand pulling him in.

“Because?” Caduceus breathed, raising one eyebrow and lips staying slightly parted at the end of his question.

Fjord swallowed hard. He hasn’t said these words to anyone, before. He isn’t sure if he can, now, even as he feels his heart beat strongly with emotion and sincerity and fear.

“Because—because, I c-care for you, deeply. You mean everything to me,” Fjord says instead. An admission of truth that somehow feels no less intense than the three words he didn’t say.

The hand on his back roams upward to splay in his hair, large fingers and odd callouses softly tangling with his growing hair and scratching lightly at his scalp. Fjord breathes a sigh of contentedness and closes his eyes.

He leans the last inch or so between them and brushes his lips to Caduceus’.

It is over in an instant, but the connection between them when he pulls back is not lost. Their eyes widen slightly in unison, and he feels heat flood his face once more. Before he can stutter anything or make excuses for what just happened, Caduceus breaks into a grin he’s never quite seen before and speaks first.

“Well, that was nice,” he says. He slowly raises his free hand to ghost it over his lips, as if taking a moment to make sure what just happened was real.

Fjord follows hesitantly into his own smile. He feels some of the shyness melt away as he tilts his head to rest, forehead to forehead, against Caduceus. He hears him take a deep breath and release it, scattering the air between them with warmth.

“I can’t say I’ve ever been interested in more carnal activities, but I have wondered what kissing you would feel like for _months_ ,” Fjord admits, glad to not be making eye contact as he says it, but still more glad of the reassuring hand in his hair, playing and twisting the strands lightly.

“Another way in which we are in agreement, it seems, Fjord. I’ve wanted to be closer to you for a while, but you always seem so specific with your personal space. I didn’t want to intrude.”

Fjord feels his heart about to burst in his chest. The care with which Caduceus takes with him. The time devoted, the talks they’ve had, _everything_ about him. And even this, picking up on his desires to be in control of who touches him, and when.

“Thank you, Caduceus. You don’t know how much that means to me. As a kid I was always being pinched or pulled or ordered around if I wasn’t being completely ignored. It felt like I had no control over any part of myself. But you,” Fjord pauses, and searches for Caduceus’ free hand to grasp between both of his own. “You have always been careful with me, and good to me, even when you had to touch-cast for healing, or to pull me out of bad decisions.”

“And you have been so mindful of me, Fjord. I don’t know if you realize it, but you have.” Caduceus lifts his head for a moment, breaking the contact, and instead presses a soft kiss to Fjord’s forehead. “You talk to me, you check in with me, you allow me to open up and be myself, even when you think it’s weird or creepy—and I love that about you.”

Fjord’s heart beats faster at the casual drop of _love_ used by Caduceus, but he doesn’t let himself be deterred by it. “I want to be closer to you, Caduceus. And I never want to be away for long, if I’m being honest. I feel drawn to you, beyond just my curiosity about the Wildmother, or anything else. I feel as if we are connected by something more.”

Caduceus drops his hand down to Fjord’s neck and lets out a soft little chuckle, happiness spilling out of him. “Can I give you a hug?” he asks.

Fjord nods. “Gods, yes, Caduceus. Whatever you want.” Caduceus gently disentangles his hand from between Fjord’s and shifts so his legs are splayed on either side of Fjord’s body, completely facing each other instead of at an angle. He slowly leans forward and wraps Fjord up in his arms, a hug completely encapsulating him.

His arms are thin but strong enough to squeeze the air from his lungs. Fjord finds himself pressed into Caduceus’ shoulder as he wraps his own arms around the other’s waist and squeezes back. It is rare to be so completely covered. Even when they all sleep in the hut, and are arranged as best they can but still overlapping each other’s space, he has not been this close to another as he is now.

This close he can smell the faint scent of spiced tea that clings to Caduceus, as well as damp moss and pond water that never seems to leave him. Caduceus’ hair falls behind him, closing the two of them off from the world, from the others, a curtain of privacy and a bubble that belongs only to them.

After a moment he realizes they are shaking slightly. Is it him, or Caduceus?

“Fjord, is this alright?” Caduceus asks gently, leaning back to look at his face once more, freeing it from his robe.

Fjord sniffs, nodding. He hadn’t even been aware he was tearing up. “Yes, yes of course. It’s just been so long since—I feel like I’ve never had someone to share this with. But I feel so trusting of you, and your intentions, and your actions. I’m so relieved, I think,” Fjord answers, not quite wanting to make eye contact while he is still sure his eyes are swimming with tears.

Caduceus understands and brings him back into the embrace. “Likewise, Fjord. It’s been so long, honestly. I missed… I was alone for a long time. I missed contact. I missed casual anything between people who loved me, even if we got on each other’s nerves at times.”

Fjord feels his heart break for a moment, at Caduceus’ words. He’d known in passing that Caduceus had been alone in the grove for seasons, but he hadn’t known how long it truly was for him. Hadn’t considered how that might change a man. He knows he’ll be thinking a lot more about it from now on, though. Hopefully he could help make up for lost time, and show him the affection he feels instinctively Caduceus needs just as much as he does.

They stay that way, hugging, close, murmuring occasional questions to each other, slowly rubbing circles on each other’s backs, for a long while. Fjord plays with a little bit of hair within his reach and braids little portions of it. He can feel Caduceus smile as he does, and he is pleased that they can read each other so well, so easily.

Eventually a stiffening in their muscles demands to be recognized, and they slowly extract themselves from the other’s grasp. Fjord stretches one arm over his chest, popping it, and slouches then straightens his back. Caduceus rolls his shoulders back and flexes his fingers, rolling his neck from side to side.

They see each other in their stretches and they laugh again.

“Thank you, Fjord. I needed that. And more than that, I needed it to be you,” he says, smiling that new smile Fjord is hoping to become familiar with. It feels like a smile Caduceus conjured just for him.

“I did too, Caduceus.”

They leave it at that for the night, almost unable to take their eyes off each other, as Caduceus announces it’s time for the final watch. They each shake awake Beau and Jester, carefully, so they are not attacked by the other in their sleep, and then settle back down into the hut. They’re arranged closer than usual, and when Fjord turns to sleep on his side he meets Caduceus’ eyes. A hand is offered in the small space between them, and Fjord takes it, holding their hands close to their hearts.

“Good night, Caduceus,” Fjord murmurs. He can already hear the edge of conversation between Beau and Jester sitting twenty feet away outside the dome.

“Good night, Fjord. I hope you have pleasant dreams,” Caduceus says in his low rumble.

“Only if I dream of you,” Fjord answers, blushing a slightly darker green, but meaning his words. Caduceus chuckles lowly, then kisses the back of Fjord’s hand where it is clasped between them and closes his eyes.

Soon enough the ambient sounds of night, the strange warm glow in his chest, and the light-headed emotion of knowing his feelings are returned in kind by the best man he’s ever known are enough to lull him into sleep.

He dreams of Caduceus and warm sea breezes blowing across their brows and it is the most peaceful sleep he’s had in weeks.

-

“Fjord?” Caduceus asks the next night. They’re still a day or so’s journey from the next town, according to the map he was stuffing back into the bag of holding slung across his back. Fjord looks up as he clasps the bag shut. He can’t help the slight flutter of excitement at listening to Caduceus say his name. It’s not significantly different than how he said it before, but after the previous night, it holds more weight than it seemed to before.

“Yes?” he answers, unable to help his smile at looking at Caduceus.

Caduceus takes a look around them, and Fjord follows his gaze. Caleb is busy identifying several items Nott had picked up from an abandoned hut in the woods. Jester and Nott were hanging around, giggling and bothering Caleb while he did so. Beau is off to one side doing pull-ups off one of the sturdier branches. Yasha sat against the base of the same tree and was reading.

Fjord turns back to Caduceus as he feels one of his large hands reach down and grab his own. “Would you mind taking a little walk with me? They won’t miss us for a moment.”

Fjord nods, feeling Caduceus squeeze his hand as they start a little ways into the forest. Not far from the group, but enough to not be overheard.

“We never quite finished our conversation last night, Fjord. And while I was very happy at the turn it took, I feel sorry that it was at the cost of something important you were trying to get across to me.”

Fjord feels embarrassment creep over his shoulders as he tries to shrug it off. “Oh, no, it’s no problem. I, too, was happy at the turn the conversation took. I was glad of the things that were expressed last night. I hope you know they still hold true during the day, even if we are not open to the others about it quite yet.”

“Whatever pace you feel comfortable with, is fine with me, Fjord. Taking it slow is nice,” Caduceus smiles and swings their joined hands a little between them. “But seriously, I don’t want to distract from what we were talking about last night. Identity, and all that, right?”

Fjord chews his lower lip, nodding. “Yes,” he sighs, “I do believe that’s where we left off.”

“You were asking about a friend you’d made on the road. Watchmaster Bryce?” Caduceus prompts, still lightly swinging where they’re connected. It’s light and easy, and enough of a pleasant distraction for Fjord to focus on the sensation rather than the anxiety he’d previously faced with regards to this conversation.

“Yes, they were the head of the Crownsguard in Alfield. We met them a few different times, I believe. I was interested in how they used _they_ because I hadn’t heard it often back in Port Damali.”

“What were you curious about?” Caduceus asks, as Fjord seems to stall out mid-thought for a moment too long. Fjord knows Caduceus isn’t afraid of silence, and he appreciates the prompting.

“Are some people born knowing they feel better being called they? Is it something they discover along the way? Do _I_ want to be called they? Would my friends make fun of that decision or decide not to? I don’t know. A lot of questions have been swirling around up here,” Fjord whirls a hand in the air, pointing to his head for emphasis, “for a while.”

Caduceus hums low in his throat, digesting the information. Fjord waits, gnawing on his lower lip again. His baby-length tusks poke into it uncomfortably as he does so, but he doesn’t stop. For a moment he considers filing them down again, and then shakes the thought from his head.

“Well, I believe that a lot of feelings are individual experiences, you know? And unless you go around asking everyone for their stories and their feelings, it’ll be pretty hard to know how they think of themselves or how long ago they started thinking that way. But, I will say. There is an easy way of answering at least one of those questions, Fjord.”

Fjord’s brows draw together as he looks up at Caduceus in confusion. “Oh? And how would that be?”

“I could use _they_ and all affiliated words for you when I talk about you. Test it out. See if you like it. I did the same thing, a few years ago.”

“Really?” Fjord asks, leaning in closer to Caduceus.

“Sure,” Caduceus shrugs and smiles, squeezing Fjord’s hand lightly. “Clarabelle was so excited to try out all of the different ways of addressing someone that our sister brought back, so I told her to try them on me. I’d wear ‘em around for a few weeks and see what felt right. What made me feel comfortable.”

“And did you find that some made you feel different?” Fjord asks, tapping his thumb against the back of Caduceus’ hand, a little anxious despite how gentle Caduceus was being with him.

“Yeah, it was nice,” Caduceus answers, smiling a little broader. “I know I feel not connected to any gender, really, but I’m used to being called _he_ and it feels nice. Sometimes being called _they_ felt good too, so I wouldn’t mind if someone else used it for me. Everything just kind of washes over me in a light breeze, it would take a lot to make me upset over the way I’m addressed, I think.”

Fjord nods, tapping a little faster. “Cool, cool, okay. Well, yes. I would like to be called—I would be willing to see how it feels, I mean, when you use _they_ to refer to me. Just a little test run. If you don’t mind.” Fjord takes a deep breath and holds it, looking anywhere but Caduceus’ face, eyes wide.

“Of course, Fjord,” Caduceus says, instantly putting Fjord at ease. He blows out the breath he’d been holding and peeks up at Caduceus. The smile that looks like it was made just for him is on his face and getting closer as Caduceus leans his forehead to Fjord’s gently. “You’re my person. I’d do anything for you. I owe you so much.”

Fjord shakes his head softly against Caduceus’. “No, if anything I owe you. Everything you’ve taught me, how you’ve guided me, led me along this path… but I don’t want to talk about our perceived debts to each other. I just want to take in this moment with you.” Fjord takes another calming, deep breath, and squeezes Caduceus’ hand.

“Thank you, Caduceus. For everything, for this talk, just, thank you.” Fjord can feel the tips of his tusks brush against Caduceus’ chin, and for a moment he gets the urge to shave them down again. An old shame associated with his tusks is still taking a while to shake, despite his friends’ encouragements.

“Any time, Fjord. Any time.” Caduceus pulls away briefly, leaving a small kiss on Fjord’s cheek.

They spend a moment longer just staring at each other, taking in the moment before breaking the silence.

“We should get back before they send a search party after us,” Fjord jokes, tugging Caduceus to turn with him back the way they’d left their party.

“We could probably take another hour or so if we really wanted,” Caduceus chuckles in return. “Caleb will be _identifying_ for at least that long, or more if Nott and Jester are still trying to distract him.”

“True, but Beau may come after us in her hurry to distract herself from hitting on Yasha again. I’d hate to miss the awkwardness. Plus it would be nice to get dinner ready for everyone when they’re done. Maybe you can show me how to make your famous moss and mushroom sandwiches?” Fjord asks.

“Hmm, that might require a trek around the forest after all, then, for the mushrooms at least. How about we check in and get the fire going, at least. And then would you like to take a walk with me?” Caduceus asks, nudging Fjord’s shoulder with his side as they walk slowly back.

Fjord smiles and says something he hopes is charming back. When Caduceus laughs in response, his grin broadens. They spend the evening in light conversation and some abject failures at cooking on Fjord’s part. It’s light and easy and even when Nott makes a scornful remark to his cooking skills, he finally feels able to brush it aside when his eyes meets Caduceus’ eyes across the campfire.

He changes the subject to ask Caleb what the weird ring actually was and he lets his attention drift when he answers with a long-winded history lesson on the region with interspersed shouts from Beau in the crossover knowledge they share. The group moves on and they share a night of camaraderie around the fire before setting up the dome to go to sleep.

Fjord provides Caduceus with ample room to use his stomach as a pillow and he plays with the other’s hair as they fall asleep. A few times around dinner tonight Caduceus had referred to Fjord using _they_ , and the others didn’t seem to notice or care. It had felt like a pleasant warmth in his chest when he realized that. But using _he_ didn’t necessarily feel wrong in comparison. _Maybe they could use both,_ Fjord wondered as they slipped into the easy space between waking and dreaming.

**Author's Note:**

> I love fjorclay so so so so MUCH. 
> 
> And on top of that, I love to headcanon Fjord is non binary and Cad as agender, and both of them somewhere on the ace spectrum. I love just about every headcanon for them tbh so here's one story where Fjord is trying to figure things out and, miracle of all miracles, Caduceus is on the same page. 
> 
> Comments super appreciated! Show some fjorclay love with me lol <3


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